Red Bull SlopeSoakers made its Canadian debut on April 2 at Grouse Mountain.
Here's the opening scene: the first competitor stands in the gate looking down on the course, his wig swept into a perfectly disheveled mullet fighting free from the confines of his steely grey and yellow race helmet, bib #1 pinned to his chest.
Perfectly. Disheveled. Mullet.
That's a beautiful image—a worthy image because Red Bull SlopeSoakers is a beautiful thing. Beauty is a word English speaking human beings developed to describe things they find atheistically appealing. It’s usually a delicate word, though delicate is not the word most of the day’s consenting contestants would use to describe the course designed to dunk them into pools of knee deep water that—while potable—made for swimming conditions usually reserved for places like Alert, Nunavut.
"Article 1, Section 1 for the day outlined that 69 was the highest score one could possibly earn."
As per the society we live in, the event was bound by certain unspoken rules: Article 1, Section 1 for the day outlined that 69 was the highest score one could possibly earn. Article 1, Section 2 enforced the sanctity of Donald Trump costumes. Article 1, Section 3 outlawed speedos. There were also some real rules, like “Listen to the guy in the hotdog costume at the starting gate. He’s the starter.” But those are usually of less import.
So Mr. Perfectly Dishevelled Mullet dropped in and proceeded to get very upside down very quickly on the step-up, step-down container feature. Because he didn’t even come close to landing, he charted the day’s coordinates straight for Hucktown in a way that only springtime contests celebrate.
After one run of qualifying, 10 of the finest hotdoggers were selected to move through to finals. Selections seemed to be made based on the contestants willingness to get sendy, landings need not apply. [Editors’ note: Forecast endorses this style of judging executed by Mack Jones and Ian Cosco for SlopeSoakers.]
Highlights of the huckfest in finals included Dean Bercovitch’s attempted double frontflip, Duncan Milne’s landed double frontflip and Liam Casey’s switch 360 over the second feature bank—seemingly a campaign to launch from the lip of the second features to the punctuating pond skim. On the finesse side of things, a special congratulatory card should be mailed to the contestant in the white animal onesie for skiing across the pond under the rainbow.
After the hour-long jam session for finals, it was decided that Best Trick would go to Liam Casey for his enormous hand drag 540 over the shipping container, and first place was earned by Duncan Milne. Skier Patrick Neal also snagged Best Costume for his Mexi-flavoured attire. And it would be a damn shame to conclude this recap without giving a nod to snowboarder Ian Mills for taking home Best Crash, which you can watch below via our brothers at King Snow.
And with that, here marks the third last sentence of this rudderless contest recap. Any concerns or questions can be directed to SlopeSoakers2017@DoItPlease.com.
For more accurate pictorial depictions of the day, see the below gallery.