Words by Alexandra Armstrong
Popular opinion: Ski patrollers are hot.
There's something behind an ill-fitting red and white crossed jacket that really says sex appeal, because frankly, patrollers are like firefighters, doctors and pro athletes all rolled into one tight little bundle of perfection. To prove this point, here's nine reasons why they’re the Baywatch babes of the white sands of winter at your local resort...
Photo by Reuben Krabbe
1) They Smell: Most patrollers have a strong and pungent odour, as anyone who has had the pleasure of hanging out in a ski patrol cache knows well. You may be saying to yourself, “That's gross, not hot.” But science says otherwise. Ski patrollers’ questionable hygiene actually makes them more naturally attractive to potential mates, as they release more unmasked pheromones. The olfactory sense can pick up on these, and subconsciously tell you whether your genes will mix well with another person's genes to make babies great again. So if you like the way they smell, you’re in business. And here’s an additional fun fact: kissing was a tactic employed to decrease proximity between potential mates. So the next time you see a patroller, lay a wet one on them to see if they're your flavour (with consent of course).
2) They Wear Red: Science also shows that when looking at the colour red, your heart rate increases and testosterone levels go up. With the old ticker working in overtime, it puts you into a state of excitement. And higher levels of testosterone are linked with a high libido, which creates a veritable cocktail for sexy times.
3) Rope Skills: Enough said.
4) Ski Cops: If you're into that sort of thing. Plus they have uniforms, and the aforementioned rope skills.
5) Goggle Tans: It's not so much the goggle tan (or poo beard if you will) itself, but what a patroller’s goggle tan symbolizes. It means they’ve been outside in the mountains, getting after it all season. They’ve been logging the hours, running the miles, and are therefore probably really good at skiing. Or just have really good genes for tanning. Either way, Kim Kardashian can't be wrong... goggle tans are hot.
6) Saving Lives And Breaking Hearts: “You fall, we haul” is an old adage of the patroller. As load-and-go specialists, ski patrollers see everything from bruised egos to some serious trauma. And either way, people are usually pretty stoked when someone shows up to scrape them off the mountain. Like injured fawns released back into the wild, most develop a certain fondness for their rescuer. Thus, behind every patroller and their toboggan, they leave a wake of broken hearts.
7) Bomb Avalanches: Skiing steep, powdery things, I think most of you will agree, gives you that tingly feeling right in your downstairs bits. The combination of steep terrain and fresh snow is a match made in heaven for fun, but also for producing not-so-fun avalanches. This presents our hometown heroes with an opportunity. An opportunity to throw lots of bombs, keep us safe from the avalanche dragons lurking below our freshies, and mitigate any chance of us ever thinking they’re less than the hottest skiers on the mountain.
8) Work Hard/Play Hard: Patrollers work long days, typically starting in the frigid parka of darkness and ending in that same fashion. With all the stress and long hours, these green-run gods need a way to blow off some steam. So you’ll usually find them in a pack at your local watering hole, knocking back a few after a hard day's work. I mean the stamina... hot.
9) Ski Real Good: Patrollers are definitely in a league of their own. What other job requires you to ski a 35-to-45 degree slope... on a rocky face... often facetted... with a backpack on... with a bundle of boo over your shoulder... with a rope attached that you have to spool out. Now I'm not saying they necessarily make that look good, but heck, they get ‘er done.