WEIGHT LOSS FOR SKIERS

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” was Kate Moss’s motto in 2009. Blame her smoker’s deadened palate for the rationale, but weirdly, people with normal taste buds believed her. Here at Forecast, we want to help you become less than you are, so we came up with some outside-the-box ways to help you reduce a few pounds of flesh this winter. —ULISES DALTON

1) Go ski touring. We know, we know, skiing’s rich history of being for rich people includes ditching uphill physical activity in favour of a chairlift, gondola, cat or heli (ideally with a personal chef). However, wheezing your way up mountains for 12 hours a day with 25 pounds of gear on your back sure burns a lot of spare tire.

2) Avoid heli-skiing. Heli-skiing is a no-no due to heli belly. Skiing that costs four figures a day combines minimal physical exertion with a smorgasbord of fancy, multi-course meals. Dishes so good they make you weep, along with skiing so good it makes you weep. OK, it’s worth it. But if you can afford heli-skiing, then you can afford to keep a plastic surgeon with a liposuction vacuum on retainer.

3) Ski in areas like India, where you can pick up waistline reducers like tapeworms for free. Tapeworms are weight-loss partners that can live up to 20 years and grow 15 metres long, all within your intestine. You’ll know you’ve successfully scored one if you feel weak, have nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, crawling sensations in your perianal region and hopefully, weight loss. But like “good” bacteria and “bad” bacteria, there are “good” worms and “bad” worms: avoid Taenia solium tapeworms, because they cause brain cysts. And avoid Hymenolepis tapeworms, because they cause violent diarrhea. Raw wormy steak, home to the Taenia saginata, is a good bet.

4) Take up smoking, but not the freshly legalized cannabis. Cigarettes are conducive to weight loss because they make food taste bland and rot your teeth, which makes it hard to chew. Only smoke cannabis if you’re one of those self-disciplined stoner types. If you’re wondering if that’s you, then it’s not. A single joint would have you Marie Kondo-ing your entire home—roommates’ rooms and all—then crushing a three-hour gym workout before returning home to count macros for your week’s meal prep, after a full day of skiing.

5) Get into live action role playing (LARPing). Crossfit cult members LARP as cave people during meals and gym sessions, because they believe eating like a cave dweller fosters a honed physique. The palaeolithic diet includes meat and fish as well as a variety of vegetables and fruits from locally grown kale leaf, to coconuts for your paleo coconut bliss balls. We’re not sure if the palaeolithic diet actually leads to hundreds of pounds of weight loss. But we are sure that constantly talking about your paleo diet at après will lose you hundreds of ski buddies.